Grieving Life Phases

Grieving our pasts, life changes, and still loving today.

Parenting is an unrecognized lesson on grief. That might seem like a strong word, but I still think it’s the right one. Grieving is described on dictionary.com as “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.” In my experience the end of some life phases have caused mental suffering and distress over loss. When you have loved something enough to miss it, you might feel grief.

Our lives are always so focused on what’s next, looking forward, positive change, firsts, and new experiences that we don’t stop to grieve the end of things. When we don’t take the time to emotionally process things, we often confuse how we are feeling about the past as guilt. Do you actually feel guilty or regretful, or do you need to grieve the past so that you can more fully enjoy the present? Until I realized this I found myself thinking of the past in a negative light instead of fondly. When I grieved I was able to shift my mindset. I CAN miss things and still love where I am now. I can remember things fondly even if I’m sad they are gone. We do this when we lose loved ones, why should it be any different for phases of life?

After becoming a mother I realized I needed to go through the grieving process for things I’d never considered before. Instead of living the “I can’t wait till I can (fill in the blank)” life, I was suddenly missing the past. Growing up I spent plenty of time wishing to be older, for the next phase of life, the car, the freedom, the opportunities. To suddenly miss a phase of life was not what I was used to.

The Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

“These stages [of grief] are our attempts to process change and protect ourselves while we adapt to a new reality.” ~ Caitlin Stanaway, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist, UWCC

If you don’t have time to read the whole post, and really what Mom does, please jump to the life phase that might resonate with you the most right now. What are you grieving?

Pre-motherhood: Freedom

The biggest thing I believe most parents miss, is the freedom. Sounds silly, but being a good parent sometimes traps us. I know I have been stuck in an endless schedule of feedings and sleep, and my kids aren’t even babies anymore. With one child I tried to still do things, they say babies will sleep anywhere. WRONG. My son refused to sleep anywhere but on me as a baby. When that stopped he would completely skip a nap if we were not home in his normal bed. (Cue the chaos.) Or heaven forbid the kid falls asleep on the 10 minute car ride home and now will not nap for the day! Our lives were now very different. Not only was this new life dependent on us, but our lives now wrapped around his needs.

As my son has grown and now with our daughter, even small freedoms are missed. The freedom to pee when you need to, or eat when you're hungry (and your food still be hot), or stay sitting down for more than five seconds because no one is asking you for anything. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade Motherhood for anything, but that’s exactly my point. I had to grieve the end of my selfish freedom days in order to view this new phase with humor.

“These stages [of grief] are our attempts to process change and protect ourselves while we adapt to a new reality.” ~ Caitlin Stanaway, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist, UWCC

The End of Pregnancy

I know “the end of pregnancy” seems like a funny phrase but bear with me. When I had my son I knew I wanted to have more children. I spent the whole pregnancy preparing to be a mother. It was almost like I rushed through the pregnancy to get to the end, at least in mindset. When I got pregnant with my daughter, it was different. I knew this would be our last child and thus my last experience pregnant. Knowing this I tried to really absorb everything about pregnancy, instead of focusing only on the baby at the end.

When my daughter was born I grieved. She was, and is, a beautiful healthy little girl. The delivery was incredible and my healing was smooth. While I soaked up every second of that baby in my arms, at my breast, and asleep on my chest, I grieved no longer being pregnant. This little life that had been inside of me for nearly a year, that I had grown so attached to, was no longer physically a part of me. I grieved the last fetal kick, the separation from my little human, knowing I’d never experience the miracle of giving birth again, the last belly picture and not having to “suck in my stomach”. I have no regrets, I didn’t squander away my time while pregnant. I just needed to take the time to grieve the end of this experience and phase of my life. Now I can look back on my pregnancies fondly, even the parts that weren’t fun (I threw up so much.) I don’t feel like I missed anything or need to go back and be more present. Grieving allowed me to move forward in peace.

“These stages [of grief] are our attempts to process change and protect ourselves while we adapt to a new reality.” ~ Caitlin Stanaway, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist, UWCC

Postpartum Body

Grieving is an important step to acceptance and joy. It is okay to grieve the body that was young and firm, and still love and cherish this body that created life. Again grief in this instance was about letting go. I had to let go of the idea that my body would “bounce back”. It’s not a ball. It also can’t go back in time. My body will never be 21, or 13, or pre-childbirth again. Now I still do things to adjust my appearance, as most of us do. Wearing makeup and doing my hair makes me feel better, so some days I do those things. It doesn’t mean I love my body less.

Grieving the loss and change allows me to move through the emotions to get to a place where I can revel in the body I am in now. Each stretch mark and sag brings me aw instead of embarrassment. Some days my body makes me sad, but that’s when I remind myself how lucky I am to have created and carried life; what an honor and miracle. Instead of wallowing in the “what used to be” I can pick myself up, do what I can that makes me feel good, and move on.

“These stages [of grief] are our attempts to process change and protect ourselves while we adapt to a new reality.” ~ Caitlin Stanaway, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist, UWCC

Kids Growing Up

My son just turned four. FOUR. I have been a mother for four years. How? My baby isn’t a baby, he’s not even a toddler anymore. This kid is fully a kid, with opinions, a sense of humor, and so much to say. While I am so happy to be present as he grows, I’m also going to grieve. Griffin will never be a baby again. That tiny baby who gave me the name Mom has completely transformed. I love who he is and know he will continue to grow into a wonderful man, but I miss that baby. This is probably why so many moms have a hard time being done having kids. There is nothing in the world like holding your own baby, and babies grow up fast.

All the firsts, that become lasts. The last baby nap on your chest. The last nursing session. The last quiet nighttime feeding that’s just the two of you alone together. The last ride in the baby carrier. The last wobbly toddler run. The last diaper butt walk. The last mispronounced word. The last time you’re able to swing them in your arms. My boy is past all of this, and I will miss it. Take the time to grieve the things you will miss, it will help you remember them.

You’ve Got This

You’ve noticed this quote a few times now. “These stages [of grief] are our attempts to process change and protect ourselves while we adapt to a new reality.” ~ Caitlin Stanaway, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist, UWCC. Big changes in life lead to new realities. The birth of a child, milestone birthdays, the abrupt end of a life phase. So if you find yourself feeling uncomfortably emotional about something I encourage you to take a moment and focus on it, you might be grieving. Remember, grief is “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.” (Dictionary.com).

It is okay to grieve the lasts, because we loved them and we will miss them. It doesn’t take away from our enjoyment of the new and wonderful things ahead. Allow space for both. It also doesn’t mean you missed it, so delete that guilt. You were there enjoying it, which is made clear by the fact that you remember it enough to be sad that it’s gone. It’s grief you feel, not guilt, let yourself go through the emotion so that you can remember those moments fondly.